Therapeutic Writing

This is my middle of the night blog that just had to happen. Thoughts are in my head, yet it also feels so empty. I’m not sure what all of this leaves me to write about, but writing is the outlet I’m opting to at this hour. I guess basically my life is bringing me more questions than answers and it leaves me a little unsettled. I know without any doubt God has a plan and I’m trying to take one step at a time with Him. I feel like I have my foot lifted and I just don’t know where to place it. I think part of me expects the pieces of my puzzle to just merge together. I also know that revealed answers don’t require faith. Faith needs to be the center of who God is making me. I believe when we seek to become stronger in an area, God gives us opportunities to grow. I know my battle is that of control. So as hard as it is to muster the words, I say to God keep me in the dark if it’s where I need to be to walk beside you. But, help me to know your presence and to know when and where to put my foot down. I can’t help but think of the words Leeland sings,

Time keeps moving on
Through the sunshine and the storm
And my dreams are set in stone
And someday I’ll be who I want to be
For now I’ll wait
For the sun to shine again
And for now I’ll wait
For the rain to pass away

And I’m looking for the brighter days
When all my hurts seem to fade away
I’m looking for the brighter days to come my way

Faces come and faces go
But none seem to look my way
And walls have stood and walls have fallen
But my heart seems to wait
For now I’ll sit at the end of the road
And for now I’ll wait
At the end of the pathway

I’ll see the sun one day shine upon me
I’ll see the sun one day
And watch the nighttime turn to morning
But for now it all comes back around

This post may not make a whole lot of sense, but this one isn’t so much for the reader as it is for me, the writer. It’s almost hard for me to post, because it is so much easier for me to keep my image pulled together. I think it's necessary for me in helping me to let go. Maybe, that's what God is molding within my life. I've been working on letting go of control, but my strongest grip has got to be on my personal guard. Opening up to my struggles is beyond uncomfortable to me. I enjoy experiencing life with people, but it's always hard to let people get to close to me. I enjoy helping others, but I think it can often be a scapegoat to turn the focus away from myself. I know it prevents more meaningful relationships, but I continue to keep the wall up. This may be one of the hardest walls for me to conquer. It may very well be the essence of my control.