Life's Worth

It’s been a long journey with my grandma's Alzheimer’s. I remember picking her up for church back in high school when we were becoming concerned for her and didn’t feel comfortable with her driving. I remember flying up north with her for a cousin’s wedding. Her memory was already failing her in so many obvious and sad ways that were only heightened as she was removed from her daily environment, but sitting a seat behind her on the flight I listened to her proudly talk to another passenger about us family and the wedding she was headed to. I remember my mom and her siblings talking about the need of putting her in an assisted living facility and it wasn’t going to work out for her to stay in Melbourne, and being relieved that she was actually going to one in Clearwater shortly before I would be starting college in that area. Eight years have passed since that move and they have been filled hard to comprehend moments as her mind has distanced her from us. The biggest question of course has been, “Why God?” Some patients go quicker than others, but it’s hard to understand the reasoning in someone living so long after the mind appears so useless. I would visit and just hope she somehow knew I was there, but while I looked at her physical face she seemed so absent. These last years, I couldn’t help but pray after every visit, “God, please take her home.” It’s different than an individual suffering from other diseases. I don’t believe the pain of other situations is easier, but I can understand purposes that can still be fulfilled on this earth. I’ve always believed attitude is everything and it can be a strong testimony to others as one endures suffering. It’s hard to understand how their testimony can live through them when they can’t communicate it any longer. It’s hard to walk in and watch my grandma fidget in an agitated manner without being able to fill my own head with possible “wills of God” for her state. It hit me after my last visit. I was headed up to Indiana for this summer and with the uncertainty of plans for after that point I didn’t know if I’d be back down to see her again. I finally realized I don’t have to know the answer because I know there IS an answer. I know Who holds it and I know only One needs to hold it. Maybe the answer is simply in the rest of us being able to live out that understanding-God is my answer. The answer may be in the family’s testimony or may be any other number of things, but what I no longer think knowing the answer is important in my life. What is important is being able to lean on my faith that nothing is without purpose. God does not waste lives or portions of lives. All is worth while.

I left Clearwater Saturday; her vitals remain stable although more than a week has passed since she had any nourishment. Hospice tells us each patient is different; it all depends on her heart. My mind was with her Sunday while I sang at church.

There is none like You
No one else can touch my heart like You do
I could search for all eternity long and find
There is none like You

I understand this song describes how nothing else can compare to God in our lives, but truth of that found a new meaning in my state of mind. “No one else can touch my heart like You do.” The remaining hours of my grandma’s life ride on the strength of her heart. Nothing can touch her heart like the Source of life. “I could search for all eternity long and find there is none like You.” She has God within her, however poor her quality of life has been (by our human minds’ standards) these past years, there is nothing more in this world that can give her life greater meaning. Put aside all the questioning, her life in this moment holds just as much value in Him as my own. Because of God’s sovereignty I can trust that fact.