Goodbye '08

The year has been more confusing to me than any other in my life. I believe many of my posts attest to that. I’m not where I thought I would be, but I’m not sure where I was even thinking I would conclude this year. I had hoped to finally be in a larger city, preferably New York or Philly. I went outside the box by putting my notice in at a steady job before I had another lined up. Not practical, not me, but a step of faith that I felt God’s leading in. It was a step I had to take to release my hands from control and to walk by faith. It was hard for me to understand why God did not reveal my next door when I had no doubt of His lead in stepping out.

My cousin invited me to live with his family for the summer while I sought God’s will. Indiana was not a place I would have ever pictured myself, despite the family ties I have there; but I packed up my car and headed north excited about the opportunities that would come. It wasn’t long before the summer ended. I had no more leads than when it had begun. I found myself heading back to Florida with my packed car and my discouraged heart. My head was so empty and my stare was blank as my car carried me along the necessary roads.

Shortly after my return the call came about my grandma. Despite the lack of direction in my life, I knew I was in Florida for a reason during that time. I needed to be with her and my mom as she was dying. Of course, her passing led to another round road trip to Indiana.

I had made up my mind earlier in the year to reestablish the Christmas season within my heart. I needed an escape from the traditional. I was determined to make it a realization, even if I was back in my hometown. I’m glad I held to this desire that God had laid on my heart, because it was a blessing.

I conclude this year with no more direction than I began it with, but an undying faith that God is faithful and true. I was listening to Matt Redman’s “You Never Let Go” earlier. It brings my weary heart hope. I wanted to share his words below.

Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death
Your perfect love is casting out fear
And even when I’m caught in the middle of the storms of this life
I won’t turn back
I know You are near

And I will fear no evil
For my God is with me
And if my God is with me
Whom then shall I fear?
Whom then shall I fear?

Chorus:
Oh no, You never let go
Through the calm and through the storm
Oh no, You never let go
In every high and every low
Oh no, You never let go
Lord, You never let go of me

And I can see a light that is coming for the heart that holds on
A glorious light beyond all compare
And there will be an end to these troubles
But until that day comes
We’ll live to know You here on the earth

Chorus:
Yes, I can see a light that is coming for the heart that holds on
And there will be an end to these troubles
But until that day comes
Still I will praise You, still I will praise You

My 2008 is now history. I would relate it to Jacob’s wrestling experience in the wilderness (see Genesis 32:22-32). It has been a restless time. My 2009 is in God’s hands. I’m not sure what they hold for me, but I know each day calls for me to seize the potential God has filled it with. My only known plan as I enter 2009 is to pick up my Master’s program again. I have already started studying and I am finding inspiration as I begin this pursuit. I will continue the next door for me, but it is most important for me live in His will for today.

Answer

One thing I’ve learned in uncertainty is that nothing is really uncertain. I may be surrounded with questions and confused by life, but there is reason. What’s more is that there is beauty in mystery. My favorite movies are not those that predictably lead to happily ever after, but those that hit your mind at the end with the puzzle piece that changes the whole perspective of what just happened; the kind that if you watched again with that new perspective would bring many ‘ahha’ moments. I like that life is often like that. God has a certain path He’s journeying us through. It’s hard and when we focus on the questions it can become dark at times, but if we keep trusting and keep walking our puzzle will be pieced together. I believe the secret is to realize He is our Answer. He sometimes reveals answers to the questions on our mind. Sometimes He gives ‘ahha’ moments to us in hindsight, but have faith in the moments that don’t seem to have meaning.

Walk by faith, not by sight. We hear it, read it and say it; but it remains one of our greatest roadblocks. There is purpose and it will be revealed one day. Yes, we stumble and fall over and over, but He will always pick us up and lead us through the dark nights.

How beautiful will it be when the restoration of our relationship with Him is complete and we stand before all His glory? How beautiful will it be when all the questions and confusion fall away in the greatest ‘AHHA” moment we will ever experience?

Therapeutic Writing

This is my middle of the night blog that just had to happen. Thoughts are in my head, yet it also feels so empty. I’m not sure what all of this leaves me to write about, but writing is the outlet I’m opting to at this hour. I guess basically my life is bringing me more questions than answers and it leaves me a little unsettled. I know without any doubt God has a plan and I’m trying to take one step at a time with Him. I feel like I have my foot lifted and I just don’t know where to place it. I think part of me expects the pieces of my puzzle to just merge together. I also know that revealed answers don’t require faith. Faith needs to be the center of who God is making me. I believe when we seek to become stronger in an area, God gives us opportunities to grow. I know my battle is that of control. So as hard as it is to muster the words, I say to God keep me in the dark if it’s where I need to be to walk beside you. But, help me to know your presence and to know when and where to put my foot down. I can’t help but think of the words Leeland sings,

Time keeps moving on
Through the sunshine and the storm
And my dreams are set in stone
And someday I’ll be who I want to be
For now I’ll wait
For the sun to shine again
And for now I’ll wait
For the rain to pass away

And I’m looking for the brighter days
When all my hurts seem to fade away
I’m looking for the brighter days to come my way

Faces come and faces go
But none seem to look my way
And walls have stood and walls have fallen
But my heart seems to wait
For now I’ll sit at the end of the road
And for now I’ll wait
At the end of the pathway

I’ll see the sun one day shine upon me
I’ll see the sun one day
And watch the nighttime turn to morning
But for now it all comes back around

This post may not make a whole lot of sense, but this one isn’t so much for the reader as it is for me, the writer. It’s almost hard for me to post, because it is so much easier for me to keep my image pulled together. I think it's necessary for me in helping me to let go. Maybe, that's what God is molding within my life. I've been working on letting go of control, but my strongest grip has got to be on my personal guard. Opening up to my struggles is beyond uncomfortable to me. I enjoy experiencing life with people, but it's always hard to let people get to close to me. I enjoy helping others, but I think it can often be a scapegoat to turn the focus away from myself. I know it prevents more meaningful relationships, but I continue to keep the wall up. This may be one of the hardest walls for me to conquer. It may very well be the essence of my control.

Life's Crossroads

Here I am, new place and new start, it is a great opportunity to serve at a ministry this summer and scope out plans for the future. I am grateful and from a human perspective it is a logical step. It’s just for summer, but my heart pulls evermore to take me from the comfortable suburbs. All I know is I long more than ever to be inner-city now.

My prayer is for my next step. All I ask is that the Lord gives me initiative to step out the moment He reveals it. I’m not asking for a full-blown roadmap, but just enough light for me to know where to set my foot. If it is for me to be here for the next couple months I ask for peace, but my honest heart is seeking new direction today.

I know my passions don’t always scream practical. I know they are real though and they are impossible to deny. As these thoughts remain unsettled in my mind I have continued to spend quiet time reading God’s word and books full of wisdom. I have had peace from the start that God won’t direct me where He won’t provide my needs.

My Bible reading yesterday reminded me, “You know with all your heart and soul that not one of all the good promises the Lord your God gave you has failed. Every promise has been fulfilled; not one has failed.” (Joshua 23:14b, NIV) One may overlook the connection, but a few months ago as I trying to make ends of my longings I couldn’t help to think of Abraham. At that point I began reading His story again. God didn’t reveal His plan He just called Abraham to leave. I knew I needed to lay down my current responsibilities so I could move forward. I knew God was in a worship time I attended when that point of Abraham’s life was highlighted. I could continue through the Bible story through the end of Joshua’s life that I just finished reading to parallel my current path.

My other reading has been David Jeremiah’s book, Life Wide Open. Exactly, what I need to be reading right now. It’s all about passionate living. He printed a quote from Enrique Camarena that matches me heart, “I can’t not do this. I’m only one person, but I want to make a difference.”

Maybe God’s will is for me to stay here throughout the summer before He opens doors for me or maybe the step that got me here was just a necessary part of letting go and grasping motivation to take a bigger step. Right now my hope is tied to the second.

I analyze everything. It’s what I do. I could argue perspectives from either side of the coin within my head until I go crazy. If there is one thing I’ve been coming to the realization of it is that I don’t always need to understand my circumstances. I just need to have faith to continue following the path. I must say, as a human, it’s so hard.

Stars in the Sky

I love NYC, but when I am there I miss more than anything seeing clear night skies full of countless stars. I am amazed every time I look up at them and am reminded of God's greatness. I don't have words to explain how much these moments mean to me, how they impact me, or how they humble me. I'm not good at using words to capture the fullness of these stilled moments in time.

Obviously, the lights of the City create too much artificial light for the human eye to see much beyond. This simple concept is what sparked my thinking. The same is exactly true in regards to why God is someone who may be out there, but not real to so many. Even many Christians go through their lives in this manner. Things of this world become our world (our life), and the more "buildings" we build, the dimmer God becomes. Yes, He is still there, but we can't see Him. He hasn't moved from us. We are the ones that take the steps away, making Him seem non-existent. Even if we look up in desperation, we wonder where He is when we need Him. The lights of our "buildings" continue to blind and surround us.

Are we to run to the desert? Leave this world behind? We are not called to withdraw, but to go where the need is. We need to be amidst the "buildings". We just need to turn off the lights from these buildings (our buildings), one at a time. As we do, His reality is revealed to us and we see a world in need. When this world darkens we see beyond. We see God surrounds us. He holds us in His hand. We are small, but not alone.

These thoughts unite with the command to walk by faith and not by sight. No matter how great, sturdy or tall the things of this world appear; none of it will last. Nothing before our eyes is eternal. Even the sturdiest of what our sight holds will be destroyed one day. For New Yorkers and Americans everywhere, 9/11 opened eyes to this reality as two of the most solid structures in the city came crashing down. The truth is that the rest of what we see will one day follow and then we will be left with what is real. God.

Do we learn? We may pause and reflect. Many even seek and find God in the moment as this world stills, but then we build new buildings that we believe will be sturdier. Our eyes become clouded once more. It's a cycle that will not end until God reveals the truth to the distracted eyes and faith becomes sight, once and for all, for His children. Until that day I pray and cry to You Lord, "Cover my eyes now, so my heart may finally see (Barlow Girl)."

"Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal (II Corinthians 4:16-18, NIV)."

Look above and beyond this temporary world. God is with us and He made us for more than this. Whether we choose to walk by faith or not does not alter the reality of truth.

Written: October 3, 2005
Revised: March 15, 2007